Bench Roundup: June 2024

Saving Montana housing one fictional subplot at a time

Jul 05, 2024

Hello team,

The summer solstice approached, brought certain joys, then peaced tf out. The Good Food Store has repainted its parking lot. Flathead Lake is in excellent condition. I have celebrated family birthdays from the inferior afar, the marriage of friends in a pleasant meadow, and a full moon at The Rhinoceros. On live and public radio, I accidentally referred to the band “R.E.M” as “REI”. A classic Missoula misnomer. The days are long, so let’s participate in the revelry while we can. It is all downhill from here.

We’ll get into the benches, which there weren’t many of in June. It’s a marvelous feeling to participate and document the month regardless of the content we yield. But, please remember, everything you read here is entirely superfluous.

Saving Montana housing one fictional subplot at a time

When I first moved to Missoula (and still to this day), questions about housing circumstances often found their way into conversation. Similar dialogues stirred around town and the rest of Montana to various degrees. Demand without supply, affecting the housing searches from those of immediate need to those of casual desire. I am largely unqualified to speak of these changing and challenging conditions, but I certainly will! And what I will speak of today is my solution to this persistent issue.

My oversimplistic general understanding of Montana’s (re: Missoula’s) housing demand strain boils down to two trends. First, the rise of remote work since the pandemic. Second, the popularity of the cable television drama Yellowstone. My solution solves the second prong of the problem. And here is what I’ll say: the answer lies in fiction.

Fans of super-mid TV shows will likely have seen Yellowstone. They’ll have seen the pristine valleys and dancing clouds. The color-edited canyons embellished across cable boxes near and dear, high and dry. They’ll have seen blessings and burdens befall the Duttons, the family in which the show (to my knowledge) centers around. It is also my understanding that the producers and showrunners take extreme liberties in their portrayal of Montana life, which is less of a knock on the individuals at the helm than the circumstances of creating shitty television. Maybe it is a knock on both, actually. What do I know?

However, what I do recognize, and what the general consensus seems to be, is that the life of the Duttons, as seen on television, has influenced an impactful amount of out-of-staters to move to Montana. The homesteads, they beckon!

So, given the two complementary factors of the impressionable fans of Yellowstone flocking to its portrayed environment and the showrunners of the show not particularly invested in realistic screenwriting, I think the clear answer to solve the current housing conditions of Montana is to relocate the Dutton Family out of state. Flip the script, pivot the plotline. In fact, I hear fantastic things about Iowa. Des Moines is to die for. I mean, Have you SEEN the 2030 master plan for Davenport? Think of all the subplots available with the new region. Day trips to Peoria! The youngest son (daughter?) of the family has is in trouble with the law, so let’s send them to Dubuque for some time! Scenes of sage life lessons taught fishing on the Mississippi River with Father Dutton. Surely, the six-lane highways of I-35 will pop on screen. If you think the Montana horizons get you out of your seat, wait until you see dusk arrive in Prairie du Chien.

And we need the Duttons to sell it. A complete conviction that there is no better place than Des Moines. That all the spots out west have blown up, shells of themselves from outside influence (and the literal explosions in every Yellowstone episode). And I need to hear Costner, in his trademark grumble, say things like “uhh uhh uhh I can’t believe what this place has become” or “No one bucks a bronco like they do in Decorah”. Some grand folkloric monologue about how in his dreams he imagined a new life in Iowa. One distanced from the self-inflicted, modern wretchedness of Montana.

I’m not in this for the accolades. I’ll let the kind folks over at CBS — who I’m sure are deeply concerned about their show’s semi-direct repercussions — take credit for the concept. If we can get them to twist the tale and take the Duttons out of dodge, perhaps Montana housing levels out. Maybe it’s fucked forever, but if we can get the #DuttonsToDesMoines, we can rectify what Yellowstone has done (allegedly).

The Benches of June

As I said at the top, a slow month volume-wise for this sweet publication’s namesakes.

Bikers Against Bullies USA Buddy Bench

Meet me at the Bikers Against Bullies USA Buddy Bench. An ideal bench for vroomers and fans of summer stock baseball. At the Missoula Paddleheads baseball complex, upon entrance into the grounds, this bench sits left of concessions, behind home plate. With whimsical font and an encouraging composure (Similar to the bench near the book return kiosk at the Missoula Public Library), the Buddy Bench serves its purpose with style. Unrelated to benches, P-heads games are great if you like unnecessarily overstimulating entertainment and underwhelming baseball. On a nice night, though, it’s the best bar in town.

A bench under a birch tree on a wedding venue at an undisclosed meadow

Sometimes, life isn’t about the benches but the people we meet along the way.

Spanish Peaks Drive Bench

On my way up the South Hills of Missoula to the end-of-weekend, post-wedding debrief hosted by the bride du jour, the setting sun casted its crown of light on this number. Default stone supports with soft granite slabs, angled specifically for enjoying the late sunsets of the Missoula summer. Landscaping conditions commensurate with the lot prices of neighboring parcels. After quick appreciation, I made haste up the road to the rendezvous.